Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
