if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My hand turned me down
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
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