I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize