you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
