You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
another moral hangover. fuck.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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