your room smells of hookers.
And success
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
