The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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