Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
We need to rekindle our bromance
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
