he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
