about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
