Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
