I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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