I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
