Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
