does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
