I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize