i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
