I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
