I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
