why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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