k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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