if i died would you start the facebook group?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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