It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
