Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize