Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
