I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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