It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
She bit a glass in half.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
