I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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