so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize
