i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
my liver is dry heaving
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
