I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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