Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize