the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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