My hand turned me down
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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