I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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