If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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