1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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