I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
