Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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