omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
