He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
