Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
