i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
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