Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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