phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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