I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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