I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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