just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
