She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
