mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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