know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
