You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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