We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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