You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
