$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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