then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
