I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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