new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Drunk is a universal language darling
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
