His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We talked him into tasing himself.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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