The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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