I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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